How to forget someone

Hi guys, guess you all are having a Sunday blast. Some of you maybe sitting at home being depressed about the last relationship you had or someone who is being the cause of your sadness.

Many times, unfortunately we come in contact with people who at first seems good, loving and caring but then when we start to be closer with them, feel affectionate and tries to establish a bond, suddenly they start to show no more interest. Sometimes we misjudge someone’s affections and closeness as a sign of commitment or sometimes they play their natural game without being concerned about the consquences of their actions and how this will affect us. Truly that hurts, whoever it is, a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend or colleague.Relationships hurts, not because the person is being mean to us or we misjudge but because when we are with someone, in any kind of relationship, we store enormous volume of memories, if it is a romantic relationship then it’s worse than ever.We don’t get sad because the person is not with us or gives us the same values that we are expecting or offer to them. But it is because we are not able to find the right way to erase the memories and our ego does not let us accept the fact that the person who has been treating us low or being mean is not going to change their attitude.

How to deal with this ?????

  • The very first thing is, simply we can not forget people or their actions, in the same way that we can not forget many other things in life. So, the best way is to accept that the person is no longer with you, and his/her attitude towards you will never get changed.
  • The second thing is, be on a destructive mode, not self-destruction but destroy every piece of shit that is connected with the person. Start with cleaning chats, SMS, emails, gifts, and at last phone number. Don’t write the number anywhere, do not cheat your own self.
  • Stop talking to those people who can bring any topic related to that person who is causing you discomfort. If you’re in college or office it will definitely be a huge problem, in this case tell all the people who can bring any topic related to that person, you are not interested to listen. If they really care they will understand if not then you must not care about them.
  • Restrain yourself from being in any kind of communication with the person who is causing you this anxiety. Just know that sometimes it is all about you, you have to love yourself. At least maintain NO CONTACT for 3 to 4 months.
  • Go for a solo trip, meet new peoples, see new places, spend time with family, concentrate on work and money making, and most important, give less time to your phone, more to the real peoples surrounding you.

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Marshmallow and Self- Regulation

In late 1960s and early 1970s, Walter Mitchel, a psychology professor at the University of Stanford did an experiment on a number of preschool kids, aged 3/4 years. In that test, the children were rewarded for a small task, the reward Walter Mitchel offered to them was one marshmallows, but he told the kids, if they can wait and not eat the one marshmallow until he returns, he would give them two mashmallows instead of one. The waiting period was approximately 15 minutes, in some cases it extended to 20 minutes. Some children waited until he returned, some waited for a few minutes and ate the one marshmallow, the rest ate the marshmallow as soon as he left. Walter Mischel observed those children as they grew up and after few years he found tremendous difference in those child regarding their academics, views about life, their goals, their ability to cope with any social environment and ability to stay calm in situations of stress.

We often plan to do something that we know we should do, but in spite of knowing what we should do, we can not put those plans into action, why so ?? What I think is, we are not able to transform these thoughts into actions because we are not able to restrain ourselves from not reacting to temptation, this is the cause of our lack of self regulation. Especially in the case of students, you know you must study from this to that hours, you may make a routine that you never follow, although you are well aware of what is your priority, that happens because we can not stop yourself from reacting to temptations, like gossiping with friends, browsing the internet, chatting over social media, watching TV.

People who are more self regulated and self disciplined are more successful, those who can delay gratitude are more focused on the future than the present, they know the sacrifices they are making today by not reacting to the temptations will make them more successful, help them achieve their goals. For achieving something big we have to sacrifice momentarily gains or pleasure.

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What is behind thoughts

We are very much concerned about thoughts, very often we say that we thought this we thought that, but we are least bothered about the thing behind the thoughts, do thoughts arises from nowhere? Or is there something behind it, what is the reason behind having thoughts? A few weeks ago I was having these questions in my mind which led me to know something.

There are many concepts of thoughts and actions in psychology, but in an ancient Hindu book, I found something very amazing. The sage was saying that there is a cycle consisting of our actions, thoughts and tendencies. From tendencies arises thoughts, thoughts result into actions and when we perform the actions the tendencies become more stronger which makes the thoughts to appear more often.

Thus our actions are the reactions of our thoughts. Suppose you are walking on the street, suddenly if a thought of putting your hands in your pockets arises, you’ll put your hands in your pockets, this may seem a very ordinary thing and hardly any of us is concerned about such things, but if you notice carefully this small thing has a deeper concept beneath it. When a thought arises in our mind, it takes only a fraction of second for the thought to transform into action.

The concept of this chain between tendencies, thoughts and actions are very useful if we use this to give up bad habits, tendencies can occur due to a genetic factor to a small extent, the social environment makes a great impact on our tendencies. Since these tendencies transform into thoughts and thoughts into actions, so if we restrain our actions by not reacting to temptations, this will weaken the thoughts, as the thoughts will become weaker, the tendencies will also lose their strength. It may not be done in a day, week or months, it may take a couple of years but if we can practice it regularly, this may have a great impact on our life and help us to give up bad habits.

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How to calm the mind for better sleep and focus

When I was a kid, my grandfather told me a story of a ghost and a man. The man had a ghost as his slave, the ghost used to take orders from the man and complete the task whatever the man asked him to do. The only condition that the ghost put forward was whenever a task is complete the man had to give another work otherwise the ghost would kill the man. The man kept giving tasks to the ghost and in the blink of an eye the ghost used to complete the work, one day there were no work left, the man was scared, he approached a Guru and told him everything, the Guru suggested the man to keep a long stick grounded into the soil in his backyard and tell the ghost to climb up and down the stick repeatedly.

Our mind is restless, it dwells on everything surrounding us, even if the body is at rest the mind never stops working. The mind works in the form of thoughts, it brings thoughts in large volumes, sometimes it is very difficult for us to concentrate on a particular thing with so many thoughts coming into mind.

When some of us goes to sleep, we face difficulties to sleep because although our body is at rest but the mind is flooded with thoughts, for me it has been very difficult to sleep a few years back because whenever I tried to sleep, thousands of thoughts filled my mind. Even thoughts that has no meanings.

I read books on Mindfulness, in books it seems very easy to repeat those steps mentioned in the books and change our lives, but to be frank it is not that easy, it is difficult, it takes months and years to develop mindfulness. It is difficult not because the steps mentioned in books are untrue, but it is difficult because a bigger part of people just read it, a lesser part try it and when the results are not coming, they leave it. Only a small population try it and keep trying it again and again. The key to train the mind is to keep doing the same exercise again and again.

How to calm the mind ??

The mind is like a monkey, he loves to jump from here to there, mind gets diverted by the things surrounding us, the best way to calm the mind is through withdrawing the mind from dwelling on a thousand things and force it to focus on one single object, if we choose a physical object the mind will again get diverted after sometime. So the best thing to focus is our BREATH.

Focusing on the breath is the most fundamental criteria for meditation. This can be done while you’re sitting, walking, travelling by bus, train or you’re on your bed trying to sleep.

The simple task is :-

  • Close your eyes, if you’re sitting on the floor on your yoga mat or simply on a piece of cloth, sit straight, keep your head, spine and neck aligned in a straight line, it’s up to you where do you sit, you can sit on your chair or sofa, whatever you’re comfortable with, next step, start to inhale and exhale, while you will be doing so, try to focus your mind on your breath, try to feel the air going in and out.
  • If you’re laying on bed, preparing to sleep and facing difficulties, then also repeat the same steps as above. But count each breath, one set consisting of inhaling and exhaling.
  • Another way to help sleep difficulties is, count from 100 in reverse order, i.e 100, 99, 98, 97, 96 and so on. While counting just try to close your eyes and visualize the numbers in your mind. This helps to withdraw the mind from dwelling on hundreds of thoughts and make it focused on one specific thing.

Although it seems very easy but it is not easy to stop the thoughts, the thoughts will continue to come and fill the mind, so let the thoughts appear, forcefully do not stop the thoughts, instead force the mind to concentrate on the breath rather than feeding the thoughts.

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Three Levels Of Happiness

” Happiness ” is a term used in context to a psychological state of mind, to describe pleasant and positive emotions. A feeling of contentment and intense joy.

Poor or rich, kind or cruel, beyond the boundaries of geography, race, religion, language, social and economic status, we all want to be HAPPY. Perhaps it is the soul intention of our lives. Every action of ours has one goal, we want happiness. Whether we work in office or we are stay at home parents, cooking, cleaning, shopping all of our actions has one soul motive, that is we want to be happy.

What can make us happy FOREVER ?

Happiness can be obtained in many ways, the first one, that almost everyone of us do to seek happiness is Pleasure. The bookish definition of pleasure is a state of feeling satisfied and joyful, synonyms to enjoyment. But satisfied for how long ??? Does pleasure gives us satisfaction and happiness that are permanent? I believe it does not ! We may go to a bar, meet friends, ordered pizza, have sex, go on a movie date or dinner, of course that makes us happy, but it is momentarily. Once the phase of pleasure is over, we are back again to the state of seeking happiness, we start to look for more pleasure, if we do the same thing to find pleasure everyday then after a month or year it stops to give pleasure. The law of causation says, if we do the same cause the effect will be the same, but the same effect or I might day results of doing the same thing that once gives us pleasure will make us bored if we seek pleasure by doing the same thing again and again. At this stage we get confused. We seek for other ways to attain pleasure, but someday everything that gives us pleasure start to bore us. The permanent happiness and satisfaction through seeking pleasure is almost impossible, pleasure only gives us momentary happiness.

The second thing that gives us satisfaction and happiness is Efficiency. When we are totally immersed in our work, whether at our office or pursuing our passion, gives us satisfaction. It gives us a feeling of accomplishment, fulfilment and enjoyment. If your passion is your profession, I bet you know that feeling. A writer whose passion is to write or a surgeon whose passion is to serve the sick and underprivileged finds immense sense of happiness and satisfaction while doing their work, they get into the flow. Someone may ask if it is permanent? No, this kind of happiness is also momentary but it gives happiness that lasts more than the happiness we get through seeking pleasure.

The third thing is finding the meaning of life, meaning of life can be different for different people, for me it is making better lives for others, for you that may not be the same. But when we try to give happiness to others ultimately we find a better purpose in life, the smile on other people’s faces, if it is because of us, that gives immense satisfaction and happiness. This happiness lasts for a long time than the previous two.

What can I do to be happy?

  • The first step to be happy is to understand what kind of happiness you want, do you want to feel joyful for a few hours, few days or for a longer period.
  • What makes you happy ? If it is your work, your purpose in life or simply some moments of fun. In the first point, if you have not chosen “momentary happiness” then the later will not be your answer.
  • After finding your passion, start getting involved into it, it may be anything, from gardening to making rockets, or writing quotes to playing guitar, whatever it is, the subject or area does not matter, just take the first step and get involved in to it. After a month or a year you will see you are more satisfied than before.
  • Start donating, helping others in any way. For example teaching underprivileged kids, feeding a homeless a good meal every week, even buying your vegetables from poor sellers or helping old folks of your community / surroundings can also be a help. The more joy you share the more joy it will bring to you.

How To Be More Self-Aware

“Know thyself” is one of the Delphic Maxims.

The Delphic Maxims are a set of 147 aphorisms inscribed at Delphi, originally they were said to have been given by the Greek God Apollo’s oracle at Delphi and were therefore attributed to Apollo himself.

Self awareness and emotional intelligence have become a part of our daily vocabulary in recent times. Intelligence can be of two types, emotional intelligence and aptitude or intelligence required in profession and academics, what we call as IQ. A person with low IQ may have higher EQ, on the other hand a person may have high IQ low EQ.

Self awareness is the first component of emotional intelligence, by definition self awareness can be defined as our ability to understand our emotions, weakness, strength, what drives us and what annoys us. A person with high self awareness is likely to be at an advantage in all aspects of life than a person with low self awareness. A self aware person neither daydream nor think over critically. They know their limitations and strength. Imagine an employee who is asked to sit in a meeting with those who are at higher position than him. He knows it’s his chance to show his talent, he understands that he needs to speak but if he is self aware, he knows him limitation and strength, he will never dwell in those areas about which he has less or no idea, but will never resist himself where he is strong. A self aware person knows how he will mess up the project when the deadline is near, he will prepare his work slowly before the deadline, he knows his goals and what he needs, some people chooses a job and after a couple of years they say that they are not not interested in this job, they can do a lot of things than this job is offering, they feel like the job is boring, if you ask them why did they take the job, most common answer will be “The money was good” or “it seemed good”. A self aware person knows what he wants to achieve in his life, he does not opt for an option only for a time being, unless he is not in urgent need.

Self awareness can be divided into two types, internal and external, internal self awareness means how clearly we know ourselves, our emotions, passions, aspirations, thoughts, feelings, weakness, strength, their impacts on others and understanding of our environment. On the other hand external self awareness is how do other peoples view us, their perception about us in terms of our weakness, strength, feelings, emotions, ability etc.

Peoples having high internal self awareness and low external self awareness knows what they are, what they want but they do not challenge their own views about themselves because of the fear of what others may think, this may limit their success and harm their relationship. Peoples with low internal self awareness do not know what they are, they feel frustrated and stuck in jobs even when they’ve chosen the job or subject to study with full interest. Both internal and external self awareness are important, suppose you were working in a company in the sales division but later you learnt that your passion is not sales but R&D, you concentrated on your internal self awareness but denied the external self awareness, you were least bothered about what your colleagues perceive about you, later you got a very bad feedback from them.

How to develop self awareness

The most important part of increasing self awareness is introspection, although introspection does not always help us but this gives a clear picture of our interests, beliefs, passion, what our mind and body likes to do. Introspection can be done on the basis of past experiences, the past is the seed that grew into the present in the form of you.

  • Write down every remarkable events and situations of your past, whatever you remember.
  • Now, take some time and read it, find if there was any unhappy moment and what was the root cause behind it, was that because of you being confused about your own feelings or about not understanding other people’s feelings. Or that was because of you lack of external self awareness.
  • What are the difficulties and losses that you can remember?
  • How did you manage those situations?
  • Do you have regrets or guilt about anything ?
  • What were the most incredible things that you have ever done?
  • Now, take half of an hour every week and analyse these past events of your life.
  • Think about your talents, skills and abilities, what are the areas in terms of skills where you’re almost unbeatable and where you’re not good at all.
  • How capable you’re in achieving anything that comes in to your mind.
  • In which situations you feel more competent and less competent.
  • How competent you’re in your office/ in academics/ sports / passion that you follow.
  • How well you manage your relationship with your family, friends and any intimate relationship.
  • How do you handle your presence in social affairs like parties, gathering, visiting friends. Do you feel uncomfortable, if yes than why? What are the things that you think others perceive about you? Do you need to change their perception?
  • Which work makes your body feel more energetic.
  • Do you like to work in a 9 to 5 job, a desk job or you love to work in field, outside your office.
  • How do you communicate with your friends and fellows in office or college? What feedback they give after any project or your results. Do they honestlythink you’re very smart at work or very boring in personal life vice versa.

Although this exercise may seem very boring, but it will give you a clear picture of what you’re and what you really want.

7 things you should not do on first date.

First expression is the last expression, first date is the door to future dates and serious relationship, but many F** if up due to their immature behavior and lack of sensibility.

Don’ts

  • Be present physically and mentally : Leo finally met a girl who he has been chatting with for a while, during the whole date she was checking her instagram and whatsapp, that was a total turn off, when someone is sitting infront of you and you’re not concentrating on them but busy with your phone, it is a kind of disrespecting the person sitting infront of you. So when you’re on a date, be sure that you’re physically as well as mentally present on the date, keep your phone aside (of course this excludes the important business calls) and speak to the person you’re on a date with.
  • Know your date : Self praise is no praise, you’re on a date to know each other, it is not an interview where your future is sitting in front of you and asking you to tell everything about yourself while he is listening carefully. It is a date. Many people start talking about themselves, their hobbies, dreams, desire and every minute details about them self . Come on!! don’t act like a braggart. The person in front of you will get the impression that you’re a self centered person who cares only about himself / herself, and no one likes a self centered person. Instead of telling about yourself ask about him/her. But do not ask so much that it turns into a police investigation, it should be equal, tell about yourself but also ask about him/her.
  • Don’t appear like you’re dead : Some people, especially when they have been in an online dating mode and finally meets, they speak a little in comparison to the amount of conversation they make while chatting. They are good at typing but when it is about face to face conversation they have nothing to speak about, all of a sudden they start feeling like they are running out of words. It is quite normal but still ruins a date, so be normal, do not shy, if you’re an introvert you may find it difficult to open up but you have to, no one can understand your silence on first date and no one likes that. You can’t put yourself on silent mode and wish your date to last long.
  • Control your hands : If You’re a man, be careful with physical touch, physical touch includes touching hands deliberately, touching hair, sitting close and touch her toes with yours. These are traits of flirts and dishonest guys. Body language is the key to the inner self, a flirt hardly makes eye contact while speaking. Moreover women are very good at identifying flirts.
  • Don’t pressurize : If your date wants to go home, don’t persist to continue the date, don’t ask if she would like to have dinner, go somewhere else or if she would like to continue for one more hour, if she has any such intentions then she would tell you. If she is saying she wants to go home than it is loud and clear that she wants to end the date, better drop her home. Do not persist, do not guilt your date by saying , “oh. I have been planning so long for this super fun thing to do afterwards, would you like to do it”. Come on!!!be a man, and bring it like a real option, ask her instead, would you like to continue or shall I drop you at your home ?
  • Don’t pretend to be someone else :- Be what you’re in reality, do not try to be someone else, we always feel overcautious and try to pretend like we are the perfect person on earth, but whenever someone tries to pretend, they easily get caught, moreover if you are wishing for a second or third date and a serious relationship than one day or the other your intrinsic qualities will come up, so be natural.
  • It’s okay to tease : Teasing is one of the funniest ways to flirt with a person, it is very nice to joke around and make someone smile on first date, people love humor, but there is a fine line between flirting and hurting, when you get too personal while teasing it turns into hurting, so be careful, do not cross that line.

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